I never had a body that turned heads, but I did have a beautiful mind. Now I'm not trying to be arrogant when I say this for I have been terrified of my own mind at times. As a child I always had an active imagination, thinking many different scenarios simultaneously and feeling every emotion associated with those scenarios. In those moments I felt free to be anything I wanted to be whenever I wanted to be it, but also the burden of not being able to turn it off and just relax. In the freeing moments, there were no limits only possibilities, but as you grow older, one by one life has a way of dimming those possibilities conjured up in a child's mind. In my teens, I quickly found that men were attracted to my intellect. As wonderful as that sounds, I would later realize in my twenties that even a good thing becomes tainted by one's insecurities. Nevertheless, when I dated, I would only use my intelligence within closed parameters to keep his attention in order to make up for what I thought I 'lacked'. Emphasizing on my strengths not my weaknesses. I wanted him to see a perfectly cut diamond no rough edges so I did my best to hide them. Yet I would find myself hurt time after time, trying to give the "best version" of myself while taking whatever they gave in return.
For years, in my pride, I felt like I had life down to a science, but I found the equations to be incorrect every time. As a scientist, I just couldn't get this area of my life balanced. The problem was, I never factored my insecurities within the equation. I didn't realize that what I refused to say out loud was attracting similar men with only the appearance of godliness. Truth was I wasn't all that godly either, God could have full control over my academic life, but my love life was off limits! I wasn't giving Him my insecurities so He could pour into the empty places of my soul. Truth is, I didn't believe He could look at my weaknesses and insecurities and still see a diamond.
In my journey with Christ, He shows me day after day that like the John Legend song, He wants ALL of Me. To all my women, whatever the insecurity is, God wants every aspect of you. Just trust Him one day at a time. I'm certainly not where I want to be but God's grace continues to mold me. So Father I give you every strength, every defect, and every angle of me, its not pretty but its yours. I rest in your embrace, knowing that in your presence I have a wholeness that I could never receive from any earthling! Thank you for your unconditional love.